I know I didn't post much last week. Okay - I don't think I posted at all last week. I apologize for that...really! I was in Atlanta all last week for the PAUMCS Certification Institute. It was a great class, and I really enjoyed myself...even though I pushed my body a little too hard.
Tuesday last week I guess I pushed myself really hard, because the spotting came back that morning. I discovered it during a break in class, and it really shook me up. A couple ladies from the class took me over to the emergency room at Emory University Hospital where I spent quite a few hours getting poked, prodded, etc. I got through triage pretty quickly, but because the emergency room was really full, I was stuck in a bed in the hallway. I laid there as the really great nurses cared for me, got my info, drew blood, etc. Shortly after that, I was wheeled down for an ultrasound. On that trip down the hall, the fear totally took over. I rolled down that freezing cold hallway crying my eyes out. The nurse was so sweet. She just keep telling me that everything was going to be okay, hugging me, etc. I kept crying and shaking...so scared about what might be happening...wondering why God would bless us with this pregnancy just to rip it away.
Suddenly a calm came over me, and I was finally able to gather myself for the ultrasound. (I found out later that this was probably about the time our class was praying for me and the baby. Those girls can PRAY!) The technician was really kind, and she gave me lots of attention. I was able to spend some time looking at Squooshy, watching him move inside of me. It was fun to see him flutter as I shifted my position on the bed! I was sucked into the miracle on that black and white screen, but was startled when a weird noise filled the room.
"What is that?" I asked Bobbie. I thought the machine was malfunctioning or something.
"That's your baby's heart!"
It was AWESOME!
There he (or she) was - alive, moving on the screen, blood pumping through his little heart! It was an amazing moment. I was suddenly very sad that Matt wasn't there too.
After a long day in the ER, I was allowed to go. Everything looked great. The ultrasound and pelvic exam showed nothing to be concerned about. The doctor just told me to take it easy. She said that some women just can't do normal activities when they're pregnant. I guess I get to be one of those women.
I know I keep going there with this pregnancy - to that place where I'm sure God has made a mistake, and will surely correct his error by ending this little life taking shape inside of my womb. Somehow I guess I can't believe that I deserve to become a mother. I can't believe that I would be so worthy of such a huge responsibility - of such a huge blessing. I think when you get to the heart of the matter, it's a trust issue. I have trouble trusting God. I can't believe how easy that is for me to admit! I should be able to trust him - with my life, my baby's life, my husband's life, etc. I feel so out of control with this pregnancy...and something inside of me is having trouble trusting that God IS in complete control.
The day after my adventure in the ER, I went with a great group of gals to Stone Mountain Park. They wanted to ride the lift to the top of the mountain, but I stayed at the bottom to rest a little. I sat among some big comfy rocks, and watched people from the shade.
A lot of families were there, and the young children all seemed to enjoy climbing the rocks, jumping from one to the next. One little girl, who was probably only 3 or 4, climbed up to the biggest rock. Her dad came up to the rock, and said, "Jump! I'll catch you!" She didn't even hesitate. She spread her arms wide open and flung herself off that rock into her daddy's waiting and capable arms. You could tell that they loved each other. You could see the pride and love exuding from the father's face, and the trust his young daughter placed in him was more than apparent.
As I watched this brief exchange, God seemed to break through my thoughts and remind me that HE loves me MORE than that father loves his daughter. That he wants me to TRUST him as I leap into motherhood. He wants me to trust him with the care of my baby. He is in complete control of Squooshy as his little body grows and his little spirit forms inside of me. Only God knows what is best for me, for Matt and for this child of ours. I pray that He sees fit to let us see this pregnancy through to fruition. That he lets us raise this child up in His name, and that this baby grows to be someone who changes the world for Christ.
I pray for this baby. I pray for my marriage. I pray for Matt and I as we become parents. Most of all, I pray that I can trust God in this...our biggest adventure.