Monday, October 19, 2009
Just wanted to let you know that the Swisher Factory is closed for a while as Matt and I work (diligently!) on our next baby. Thank you for praying for us through our pregnancy and our miscarriage. Baby Squooshy was so special to us, and we love that he was able to touch your heart as well.
We look forward to God blessing us with a baby to keep soon!
I am blogging at http://allplaces.blogspot.com, and Matt is blogging at http://randomthoughtsinministry.blogspot.com. Come follow us there!
Love to you all,
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
Please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine, not of rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please hold my hand when I can't do anything- but cry.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.
And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby-
I never held...
but, always loved.
-by Ellen DuBois
Monday, August 17, 2009
Unfortunately the bleeding doesn't stop right away either. It takes 1-2 weeks to stop - dwindling a little every day until it's done. Because of this, the hospital sent me home with some HUGE pads to absorb this mess. You would not believe the size of these things. If you ever have a major head wound, you want these babies. They make those heavy flow, overnight pads look like teeny panty liners! Seriously - they're huge.
I know it's gross for me to be talking about bleeding and pads and stuff, but I do have a point here. The name of this particular brand of pads...is PROMISE.
That's right folks: PROMISE.
Hmmm...seems like even in the midst of a horrible miscarriage, God has found a way to remind me EVERY DAY that He is still with me and will fulfill his promises. As the last remnants of the life we lost leave my body, God is already encouraging us that there will be life in the future. A promise kept.
Below is some of the passage that was read at our wedding. Seems to be speaking to me today...
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."
- Isaiah 55: 10-11
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I'm heading back to work tomorrow, but not sure if I'll be able to work a full day. My body is still in recovery, so we'll just have to see how much I can handle. It will be good to get back into my routine.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Matt and I spent yesterday in Indianapolis having what I called a "Happy Day." I had become a little overwhelmed by the sadness of the week, and needed desperately to get out of the house and have a little fun. We did some shopping, ran a few errands, laughed together and held hands as we walked, had a little birthday party for Kamryn (our neice who turned three yesterday), and went to a big, extended family birthday party at my aunt's house. For the most part we felt normal - I didn't cry, we didn't really talk about the baby, and even seeing baby items for sale at the mall didn't make me emotional. I was proud of myself for holding my emotions together. Later in the evening when we were with my family, I even successfully held back tears as aunts, uncles, cousins and my grandma all hugged me tightly and asked if I was doing okay. I was so thankful to be with them.
It all came crashing down when we got back to Mom and Dad's though. As we got closer to bedtime, it sunk in more and more that we had lived an entire day and had barely thought about, cried about or agonized over our Squooshy. As I sat there watching TV, a part of my brain began to wonder if I had ever really been pregnant in the first place. Maybe the baby was never really there? Maybe you imagined it? Maybe it was just 12 weeks of daydreaming?
We went to bed, and I collapsed tearfully into Matt's arms. He was quick to reassure me that I was not going crazy. That we indeed had a little baby growing inside of me until Tuesday. That it was okay to move on and have fun. That we don't have to spend the rest of our lives grieving. That we will continue to remember our pregnancy and grieve our loss, but we're also going to continue having fun and living our life...
I'm so afraid of forgetting that little baby...
Thursday, August 13, 2009
To lose a baby - even a baby I've never held in my arms, kissed, hugged - has been harder than I ever thought it could be. I know that there are many people I know who have had a miscarriage, but I never imagined the pain they were going through. It makes me feel a little guilty for not knowing how to care for them - not understanding a little about the horrifying loss they were experiencing. Now that I have gone through it, I want to hug them all. I want to hear their stories. I want to mourn the loss of their little babies with them. I hate that there are so many families out there that have suffered a loss like this, but it's nice to know that there are so many people out there who can relate to us.
Matt and I have been staying at home most of the time the past couple days. We have been sleeping weird hours for sure. Our near-sleepless night at the hospital really threw off our sleep schedule. We have been clinging to each other a little bit more, and we have definitely been crying a lot. I am really struggling with my own thoughts and feelings. When we were in the hospital I seemed to feel peaceful about what was happening. I was sad and shocked, but I knew that God was there with us. Somehow I felt peace - maybe even a little joy - to be served by such caring nurses and doctors. They really seemed to get how I was feeling, and they did everything they could to make us comfortable and encouraged. They all assured us that we did nothing wrong. That nothing we did or didn't do would have changed the outcome of our pregnancy. I felt calmed by their assurance then, but it seems like since we've been home Satan has somehow slipped into my thoughts and started to convince me otherwise.
What if I was in better shape? What if I had eaten better? What if I had put my feet up more? What if, what if, what if???
I've also been starting to hear other questions pop into my head: Why did God do this to me? Why did God take my baby? Why couldn't God just let us have it easy for once? Why does everyone else get to keep their baby, but I have to lose mine? What is God punishing me for?
I know that these questions are WRONG. I know that what the doctors and nurses told me were true. There was nothing I did or didn't do that caused this miscarriage. I know that God isn't punishing me for anything. Of course I don't want other people to lose their babies just because I lost mine. I'm not the person these questions make me out to be. I KNOW THAT SATAN HAS STUCK HIS BIG, FAT, JERKY, BUTTHOLE SELF INTO MY HEAD IN THE WORST TIME IN MY LIFE! I hate him for so many things, but today I hate him most for that.
Jesus has already won this battle, so I think I'm just going to claim His victory for myself. I am dealing with enough this week to take some guilt on too. That's that.
My sister and niece came to the house for the day. Our house is a WRECK, but they didn't seem to care. At least I cleaned the toilets before they came over! I seriously need to clean...anyway. We spent the day just hanging out, scrapbooking, playing with toys, and had lunch at Hershey's Drive-In in Veedersburg. Kamryn seemed to enjoy our cherry slushies. I'm not sure if she had ever had one before. I think she was impressed by the magic of the slushy, and I was glad to share with her. I was thankful she didn't ask about Baby Squooshy. I'm not sure if her parents have talked to her about what happened or not. I think we decided that if she asks about Squooshy, we'll just tell her that Squooshy went to live with Jesus. I don't want her to forget about her little cousin, but I'm glad she forgot to talk about him today. Tomorrow Kamryn turns 3, and I am looking forward to celebrating with her.
We're going to my aunt's house tomorrow night for a big family birthda party. I know that people are going to give me that pitiful "I'm so sorry" look. I know that people will hug me a lot, and want to console me. I love my family, and their support means so much, but I have to admit that I'm nervous about going. I don't want to be a big bummer at the party. I don't trust my emotions enough right now to say I won't break down crying at some point tomorrow night. I can't bear the thought of people feeling sorry for me. We'll see what happens tomorrow...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
We lost our baby Squooshy yesterday.
It hurts just to say it.
I have been spotting on and off throughout the pregnancy, so when spotting starting up again the other day, I wasn't incredibly worried about it. During work on Monday I noticed it was getting just a bit worse, and Monday night at home it was worse still. Tuesday morning I woke up with fear in my heart, and I think something inside of me knew what was going to happen.
I was going to call the doctor first thing, but didn't because I didn't want to be "that woman." You know, the one who calls the doctor over every little thing. I decided to get up and get moving and get some work done. I cleaned out my closet and drawers, building an impressive "Goodwill Pile" in the middle of the bedroom floor. Then I went into the guest room, and began clearing some things out in order to facilitate the coming transformation to a nursery. I cleaned out that closet too, and cleared out the bookshelf in order to have a place to store all the baby things we have quickly acquired. I looked through the baby clothes we have received - smiling at each little outfit. I opened the St. Louis Cardinals sippy cups my cousin Jessie bought for Squooshy, and displayed them proudly on the top shelf. I dreamed about our little baby as I began preparations for his little room in our home.
I worked for a few hours, and then decided to lay down and rest a while. The spotting hadn't gotten any better, so I called the doctor just to ease some anxieties. She didn't seem too concerned, but we scheduled an ultrasound for today at 1:00 to ease my fears. I had to go in for a blood draw anyway, so we were going to do it all in one appointment.
A couple hours after that, as I laid in bed watching lame daytime television, I noticed that I was cramping. I tried to shake it off - ignore it - but it wouldn't go away. After a few minutes, I turned off the television, and called out to Matt. "Honey...I think I'm cramping." I went right to the bathroom to see if anything had changed. When I wiped, there was a large amount of dark red blood on the toilet paper. I immediately knew that we needed to get to the hospital.
I called the doctor's office to let them know what was going on, and they encouraged me to go to the hospital. I initially thought that we should try to get to Methodist hospital in Indianapolis, but decided that we didn't want to drive for over an hour just to save the money (they have great benefits for Methodist clergy). We chose to go to the hospital in Crawfordsville instead since it was only 20 miles away.
Once we got to the hospital and got checked in, I was thankful that we had made that decision. By the time I was in triage, the cramps were AWFUL. I was sweating profusely, and had a hard time sitting still as they took my vitals. They got us to an OB room in the ER quickly. I told them that I had to use the restroom. They pointed me to a door just a few feet away, and I made Matt come with me. I peed there, and when I wiped, there was a lot of blood and quite a few clots. I just looked at him, and said, "This is not good at all."
We went back to the room, and I paced/groaned/cried as the cramps just kept coming. I felt like some kind of animal. I was perturbed by the unshaven older man across the hall who kept staring unapologetically. Didn't he have any couth at all? Jesus - here I am losing my baby, and he's watching like we're at the zoo. I wanted to scream at him, but thankful I kept my cool.
The doctor came quickly, and I changed into a gown. As I was changing out of my clothes, I saw blood dripping on the floor, and I knew that I was in trouble. I laid down on top of a large pad on the bed. The doctor came in for the exam. It didn't take him long to calmly say, "Okay - you're miscarrying. Here's what is going to happen now..."
I don't even know what he said next. Matt was standing next to my head just holding my hand, and when the doctor said that, he fell apart. I tried so hard to comfort him, but I knew there was nothing I could do. I just laid there as the doctor pulled my baby out of my body, and I felt Matt's tears falling on my face and on my gown...I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. There was so much blood, and each time I felt the warm stickiness of it, the realization that our baby was gone sunk in deeper and deeper. I kept saying, "Oh Lord. Oh Jesus. This can't be happening. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." I didn't know what else to say.
They wheeled me off for an ultrasound to make sure everything was out of my uterus. Matt and I watched as the technician looked inside of me. The image of that blank ultrasound screen haunts me still. Just weeks ago I saw our baby on a screen just like that one. He was thriving - his heart beating, his limbs moving. He was alive and well inside of me, and now - in an instant - he was gone. I am so thankful that Matt was with me at our first ultrasound - that he was able to see the baby. He was the first to see the heart beating! I ache for him that he wasn't there for the second ultrasound that I had in Atlanta. I know that he wants to badly to have heard the baby's heart beating like I did. It seems to still be beating in my head today. I can hear the rapid "Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh" as I type this harrowing memoir. I hope someday the sting of not being able to hear that heartbeat lessens in Matt's heart. At the time we figured we would be able to hear the heartbeat together at future ultrasounds. Now I know that Squooshy's heartbeat is a sound that Matt will never hear. I hate that...
As I'm writing this, I'm staring out the window above my desk, and I'm watching Matt pick tomatoes in our garden. My heart literally burns and aches for him right now. He would have been such a good father to our little Squooshy. I wanted so badly to give him a son or daughter. He is the most loving and caring person I have ever met, and I know that this baby would have been loved more than any other baby in the world. Squooshy's Daddy is by far the best man on Earth.
Anyway - the ultrasound showed that my uterine walls were still pretty thick, so they decided to keep me overnight. They hoped that I would expel what was left on my own, so they wouldn't have to do a D&C. They gave me morphine for the pain (I was still cramping badly), and gave me Zofran so I wouldn't puke. The morphine kicked in, and immediately made me feel better.
Soon after the drugs calmed me down, my Mom and sister were there. The pained look on there faces will not leave my memory soon enough. I wanted so badly to comfort them. I wanted to tell them that it was all going to be okay. I wanted to hug them tightly to me, but was frustrated by the fact that the IV wouldn't let me bend my right arm very much. They sat with us for hours last night, and their presence really made me feel better. They allowed me talk about the horrific events of the afternoon as I needed to , cry as I needed to, laugh as I needed to, and just helped me feel encouraged and loved. We got settled in my room for the night, and they left late in the evening.
The nurses and doctors that cared for us were FANTASTIC. I can't even begin to tell you how great they were. They were so caring, loving, gentle, etc. I know that God placed them all there just for us. A few of them were Christians, and were excited to be able to care for us in a Christian way when they found out we were as well. Our nurse in the ER and the OB doctor had both experienced miscarriages in their own life, and they both shared how God was able to sustain them through it. I can't tell you how comforting it was to know that the people who were caring for us knew the Lord. It was as if Jesus were right there with us taking my blood pressure, bringing me ice, etc.
The doctor didn't want me to eat or drink anything in case they had to do a D&C this morning. I wasn't too hungry, but BOY was I thirsty! I think I went through 7 cups of ice chips. I felt a little victorious every time they had melted down enough to let me take an actual drink of water. I felt a little rebellious doing that, but I was so thirsty, I didn't care! Matt and I tried to get comfortable in our room, but I don't think either of us slept very well. I was really thankful they allowed him to stay. He said that he would have liked to see them try to get him to leave anyway. He wasn't going anywhere. I don't think I could have stayed there without him. I almost wanted him to crawl in my bed with me. I just wanted to be able to hold on to each other. Even though his little bed was right beside mine, I felt like he was a mile away from me.
We woke up this morning to some one drawing my blood. They came in and did vitals after that, and I don't think I got much sleep from that point on. The doctor came in an hour or so later to tell us that my blood count looked "beautiful" and that he wasn't going to do a D&C. (whew!) He had breakfast sent right up for me, and said I was free to go when I felt ready. We shared my breakfast, got me dressed, and went home.
As soon as we got home we took a few minutes to catch up on our voice mails, e-mails, Facebook messages, etc. I can't tell you how blessed we feel by each message we have received. It's so overwhelming to know that we have so many friends and loved ones praying for us, hurting for us, etc. from all over the world. I want to call each of you back, write you each an individual e-mail, etc., but I don't think that's going to happen for a long time. It just hurts too much right now. Please just know that I love you for loving us and our baby. Squooshy would have been so blessed to have such a community of people loving him and praying for him if he had been able to live here with us. You all are amazing...
We have been able to rest today. We slept through lunch, but ate a good dinner. I have had a few cramps today, but they're not bad. The doctor just has me taking Tylenol for pain. I don't need much more than that. The bleeding should continue for a few more days, but I should be back to normal after that. We will be able to try to conceive again once I've had a normal menstrual cycle. I'm not sure how quickly we will get back to trying, but I know that eventually we will. We just have to see how long it takes our hearts to heal.
We are still very sad. I think we will be sad for a long time. We tried for so long to get pregnant, and we were hopeful that our infertility journey had ended with this pregnancy. We don't know when we will get to have a baby to keep and raise and love, and we don't know how our next pregnancy will end. BUT we do know that GOD IS WITH US.
He has brought us so much peace throughout this miscarriage. I don't know how else to explain how we feel. We feel sad for what we have lost, but we are so joyful that our baby is with Jesus right now. That our baby never had to experience the pain and hurt and frustration and hate that fills our planet. We know that Squooshy is singing with the angels like he would have sung with me, that he is loving us and learning about us with Jesus, that he is rooting for the Cardinals with his Daddy on Earth and his Father in Heaven (God likes the Cardinals best, you know), and that he is being loved by his creator. There is only one place I'd rather Squooshy be than in our arms, and that's exactly where he is now.
I wish so much that I could have seen his (or her) little face. That I could have loved him and cared for him and held him. I wanted to show him so many things! I will never know what his voice was like, what color hair he had, what his smile was like, etc. Geez - I don't even know for sure if Squooshy was a boy or a girl! Something inside of me thinks it was a boy, but we'll never know. No matter what though, Squooshy was loved by so many people. I am so thankful for that...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
All of your baby's vital organs are now formed and functioning, so the risk of defects decreases this week as your baby becomes less susceptible to outside influences. Phew! Other exciting developments include:
- Baby's ears are assuming their proper place this week and the fingernail and toenail beds are beginning to form. Your little "pumpkin head" really lives up to his nickname as his head is nearly as big as the rest of his body.
- While testes or ovaries are completely formed now, don't start decorating the nursery. You won't be able to see your baby's gender for a few more weeks yet.
- Your baby is really on the move now. In an ultrasound you might be able to see your little acrobat flailing his or her arms and legs and doing somersaults worthy of Cirque du Soleil. You still won't be able to feel any movement, so if you feel something "kick" in there, it's probably gas.
- In the next nine weeks, your baby will increase 30 times in weight and almost triple in length. You might feel like you're increasing 30 times in weight at this point, too, but we can assure you're not—because, honey, you ain't seen nothin' yet!
- Your baby now weighs a third of an ounce, about the same as two small, Starbucks-sized packets of sugar, is about 2 inches long, the length of one of those sugar packets. Isn't that sweet?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I don't know why I missed these calls. The doctor's number is in my phone, but somehow the calls came up as unknown numbers. I don't answer those. I just let them go to voice mail, which I apparently don't check often enough. I'm such a slacker, and now I'm worried I have put my baby in danger because I was too lazy/forgetful/stupid to check voice mail.
I'm probably going to be anxious until I can talk to the doctor tomorrow morning. Will you pray with me please? This mama needs some rest before a long day at work tomorrow!
Talked with the doctor this morning. While my progesterone is greatly improved, it's still a little low. She's going to have me double my supplements. I only need to take them for a couple more weeks though, because once I'm in the 2nd trimester, the placenta takes over production of progesterone. She's not really too worried about this, since my Hcg levels are wonderful. WHEW!
Thanks for your prayers!!!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Obviously disposables are much more convenient, and easier to purchase in stores. I read online that approximately 95% of mothers use disposables. Something inside of me feels really icky about contributing to the massive amounts of diapers that are thrown in landfills every day.
So - we've been talking about doing cloth diapers. Holy freaking cow...there are SO MANY DIFFERENT OPTIONS when it comes to cloth diapering! No wonder 95% of mothers are using disposables...I can hardly make heads or tails out of all the information I'm finding online about cloth! Cloth diapers are not the same that were used when I was a baby, so my mother isn't going to be much help at all. All this confusion is enough for me to just use disposables, but I really don't want to be weak about it, and go against my convictions here.
Now I come to you: What do you use? Why? What brands do you like? If you use cloth, how inconvenient is it for you?
Help me people...
We're starting to think about our registry. What ONE baby item could you never live without? What ONE item do you think is overrated? It seems like every product tries to convince you that your baby will literally die without it, but seriously - that can't be true!
Looking forward to your responses!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
In talking with my doctor, she revealed that my previous blood work indicated that I am Rh negative. Apparently about 13% of the population is Rh negative, and it really doesn't cause issues for anyone except pregnant people. If my baby is Rh positive, my Rh negative blood will produce antibodies that will attack my baby. We don't know at this point if the baby is Rh positive. There is a chance that Matt is Rh negative too, and then there's really nothing to worry about.
Actually - the doctor said there isn't anything to worry about anyway. There is medication that they will give me in my third trimester to prevent any issues that might occur. The doctor is not worried at all, so I won't worry either.
If you're interested in reading about this Rh negative business, check out this article.
The rest of our appointment was spent with the business office chatting about how much we get to pay for this little baby. We're planning on delivering at Methodist Hospital, because 1) it's a great hospital and 2) they have seriously awesome benefits for Methodist clergy there. Methodist will bill our insurance, and whatever isn't covered will be written off completely. COMPLETELY! Isn't that great? Too bad my doctor's bills aren't covered the same way.
We left feeling excited about our baby, our arms laden with more freebies from the doctor's office. The staff there is so sweet and caring and gentle. It was a great day!
Because of all the goofing around, I think my mom always feels like she has to really make it clear when she's about to switch into "Mom Mode" and exert the power given to her by her position in our family. She usually does this by saying, "This is your mother speaking..." and then continuing on with her edict.
I got one such statement from my mom this morning on Facebook after I posted the link to last night's blog post. Here is what she had to say: "It is all going to be just fine. This is your mother speaking. Try enjoying this experience instead of worrying about it." Message received Mom!
I guess I should make it very clear that I AM enjoying this pregnancy most of the time. I am enjoying dreaming about our little baby. I love thinking about the nursery, and can't wait to get started on it. I like looking at baby clothes, imagining what it will be to put Squooshy's little feet into tiny socks and wrap his soft, clean little tushie in a diaper. I really am excited about it, and I love thinking about this baby inside of me.
HOWEVER: I'm not enjoying the nausea or the spotting that I have experienced. I just can't. The nausea is starting to get better, but when I see that little bit of blood, it makes me nervous.
I think I'll start enjoying the actual physical part of the pregnancy when I start to feel it! Right now I just feel tired, bloated, nauseous, and although I KNOW in my head that I'm feeling these things because I'm pregnant, it's not OBVIOUS to a part of my brain that I'm pregnant. When I start feeling those flutters, seeing that baby bump, etc....I think I'll REALLY start to enjoy being pregnant. Despite the ultrasounds I've seen, I think it will be so much more real when I begin to feel Squooshy growing and moving inside of me every day.
This is your daughter speaking: Mom - I'm okay! I promise...and I love you!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday last week I guess I pushed myself really hard, because the spotting came back that morning. I discovered it during a break in class, and it really shook me up. A couple ladies from the class took me over to the emergency room at Emory University Hospital where I spent quite a few hours getting poked, prodded, etc. I got through triage pretty quickly, but because the emergency room was really full, I was stuck in a bed in the hallway. I laid there as the really great nurses cared for me, got my info, drew blood, etc. Shortly after that, I was wheeled down for an ultrasound. On that trip down the hall, the fear totally took over. I rolled down that freezing cold hallway crying my eyes out. The nurse was so sweet. She just keep telling me that everything was going to be okay, hugging me, etc. I kept crying and shaking...so scared about what might be happening...wondering why God would bless us with this pregnancy just to rip it away.
Suddenly a calm came over me, and I was finally able to gather myself for the ultrasound. (I found out later that this was probably about the time our class was praying for me and the baby. Those girls can PRAY!) The technician was really kind, and she gave me lots of attention. I was able to spend some time looking at Squooshy, watching him move inside of me. It was fun to see him flutter as I shifted my position on the bed! I was sucked into the miracle on that black and white screen, but was startled when a weird noise filled the room.
"What is that?" I asked Bobbie. I thought the machine was malfunctioning or something.
"That's your baby's heart!"
It was AWESOME!
There he (or she) was - alive, moving on the screen, blood pumping through his little heart! It was an amazing moment. I was suddenly very sad that Matt wasn't there too.
After a long day in the ER, I was allowed to go. Everything looked great. The ultrasound and pelvic exam showed nothing to be concerned about. The doctor just told me to take it easy. She said that some women just can't do normal activities when they're pregnant. I guess I get to be one of those women.
I know I keep going there with this pregnancy - to that place where I'm sure God has made a mistake, and will surely correct his error by ending this little life taking shape inside of my womb. Somehow I guess I can't believe that I deserve to become a mother. I can't believe that I would be so worthy of such a huge responsibility - of such a huge blessing. I think when you get to the heart of the matter, it's a trust issue. I have trouble trusting God. I can't believe how easy that is for me to admit! I should be able to trust him - with my life, my baby's life, my husband's life, etc. I feel so out of control with this pregnancy...and something inside of me is having trouble trusting that God IS in complete control.
The day after my adventure in the ER, I went with a great group of gals to Stone Mountain Park. They wanted to ride the lift to the top of the mountain, but I stayed at the bottom to rest a little. I sat among some big comfy rocks, and watched people from the shade.
A lot of families were there, and the young children all seemed to enjoy climbing the rocks, jumping from one to the next. One little girl, who was probably only 3 or 4, climbed up to the biggest rock. Her dad came up to the rock, and said, "Jump! I'll catch you!" She didn't even hesitate. She spread her arms wide open and flung herself off that rock into her daddy's waiting and capable arms. You could tell that they loved each other. You could see the pride and love exuding from the father's face, and the trust his young daughter placed in him was more than apparent.
As I watched this brief exchange, God seemed to break through my thoughts and remind me that HE loves me MORE than that father loves his daughter. That he wants me to TRUST him as I leap into motherhood. He wants me to trust him with the care of my baby. He is in complete control of Squooshy as his little body grows and his little spirit forms inside of me. Only God knows what is best for me, for Matt and for this child of ours. I pray that He sees fit to let us see this pregnancy through to fruition. That he lets us raise this child up in His name, and that this baby grows to be someone who changes the world for Christ.
I pray for this baby. I pray for my marriage. I pray for Matt and I as we become parents. Most of all, I pray that I can trust God in this...our biggest adventure.
By the end of Week 10, your baby graduates from embryo to fetus, which literally means "little one." It also translates to "I'm just going to keep getting bigger and bigger and so are you!" Other highlights this week:
- Your baby has finally morphed from a little tadpole into, well, a baby. Not only is the face more human-like, but that unflattering "tail" (really just the developing spinal cord) has disappeared, fusing into the spinal column.
- Your baby now has discernible fingers and toes, which will explain the steady stream of kicks and punches you'll feel down the line.
- Junior's skeleton is starting to grow and harden. The ears are beginning to take shape and the eyelids are no longer transparent. Tooth buds are forming, although your baby won't get any teeth until six or seven (or eight or nine or 10) months after birth.
- Baby's brain will make an incredible 25,000 new neurons every minute this week. While you may feel like you're losing as many as he's gaining, we can assure you it's not permanent. "Pregnancy brain," like nausea and bloating, is a temporary symptom that soon shall pass. (And then you'll get "Mommy brain," but we won't go there now.)
- If you're baby is a boy, he's started producing that macho hormone testosterone. And whether your baby is a boy or a girl, the kidneys are creating copious amounts of urine. Lucky for you, you won't have to change a diaper for another 30 weeks.
- Baby weighs only 4 grams and measures 1 1/2 inches, about the size of a mondo Brazil nut.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I hate to fly. I know the statistics say that I'm safer in the air than I am on the ground, but I still don't like to fly. Gravity and I have an understanding. I am a large woman, and as such, gravity makes sure that I am as close to the ground as possible at all times. Defying this arrangement seems unnatural, thus filling any time I spend on a plane with anxiety. Also - I had a really rough flight on the way to New Orleans earlier this year - one in which I was SURE the plane was going down, and I spent the better part of the flight clinging to my sister in fright and praying incoherently out loud - so flying REALLY doesn't sit well with me right now. Then take into account the fact that I am pregnant, and this has somehow created an anxious beast inside what was already an anxious beast, and well...you get the picture. Tomorrow will be hell.
I hate being away from Matt - especially now that I am having this baby. I will miss him terribly, and will count down the days until Saturday when he pics me up at the airport in Indy. I'm nervous about having to be alert all day every day for 6 days straight. I've been so tired and sick lately, that I've been spending a lot of time in bed. This week will definitely be hard! I'm just hoping to get some good shopping in, learn a lot in class, and make some good friends with my other classmates.
Okay - I have to pack now. We'll see if I get time to blog in ATL. :)
Friday, July 17, 2009
Heavenly Father, I come to you on behalf of Katie. I pray that this little one growing inside her will do mighty things for your kingdom. I pray that Katie's pregnancy will go smoothly and that this child will be born fully healthy and content. Thank you for new life! In Jesus' name I pray.
You can check out Cindy's blog here: http://cindybeall.com/ - you won't regret it! THANKS CINDY!
Your baby is now 5/8 of an inch long, about the size of a kidney bean. New this week: Webbed fingers and toes are poking out from your baby's hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. His arms have lengthened, too, and his hands are now flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart. His knee joints have formed, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Looking forward to the day in about 7 months when I can have a Pepsi again. Unless someone is going to tell me that I can't breastfeed if I drink caffeine. If that's the case, I'd better start begging for those free Enfamil samples pronto!
Matt and I went to Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby last night to look at bedding. We picked out a really cute, modern, set in calming brown and sage green. We both saw it and loved it right away. Now I'm starting to dream up what the nursery is going to look like, and I can't help but get really excited about furnishing that little room! If you're interested in checking it out, click here: http://www.toysrus.com/
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I wrote her back, and told her that pose is what got me in this situation to begin with! :) I was just kidding of course, but I still laughed at myself.
I hope little Squooshy is just as funny as I have convinced myself I am!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I haven't had very many cravings that would be considered crazy or weird. I'm certain my body is telling me to eat more protein, because eggs and beef always sound good to me! I keep telling Matt that this is most definitely his baby, because it wants steak all the time! Not that there was a question of paternity...
Over the weekend I had a craving for Papa John's pizza. Matt was happy to oblige, even though this craving took him 20 miles away to our nearest PJ's. He's so good to me!
I'm still eating a lot of saltines, but that is more out of necessity than cravings. This nausea has been kicking my butt now and again, but the crackers really help. It's a good thing I like them!
It's going to be interesting to see what other cravings develop. Anyone have any fun cravings stories from their pregnancies?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Later we talked about Squooshy some more.
"Kamryn, do you think Squooshy is a boy or a girl?"
"A girl," she said definitely. "I want a girl!"
She's so precious. I know Squooshy will love his/her big cousin Kamryn!
This morning was no exception. The past few days I have been withholding crackers from our little kitty - for fear that he would get a little too spoiled, and begin begging for food all the time. Today as I laid in bed settling my stomach before I got up to get ready for work, Buster came in nosing around my crackers for a little snack. I kept telling him no, pushing him away, etc. Finally, Buster admitted defeat and backed off. A minute later, I noticed that he had laid down near the sleeve of crackers, wrapped his paws around them in a little kitty-hug, and rested his head on top of them. It was so cute! It was almost like he was saying, "I don't care if you don't give me crackers...I'm going to love them anyway!"
He is such a sweet boy. He drives me crazy sometimes, but this morning he made me giggle. :)
Yesterday was particularly excruciating. My spotting was worse than ever, even though it really wasn't too bad. It made me VERY nervous. We had an open house yesterday for our congregations, and one of our church members is a nurse. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her about what had been going on. She told me that she wasn't too concerned since I had been doing it from the start, and had a successful ultrasound. She also told me about her miscarriage though. It helped me to kind of understand what I would be feeling/seeing if I were to miscarry. Calmed me at first to know that my symptoms aren't all that bad. But later last night, I couldn't sleep. Every gurgle of my stomach, every little anything sent a jolt of fear through me, and I laid there in bed most of the night worried for this little baby of mine.
I know the stress that I experienced last night is NOT good for the baby, but I had a really hard time calming myself. I'm hoping that this anxiety goes away soon. It only adds to my nausea!
Prayers are of course appreciated...for me and this little Squooshy, and for Matt too! He thought I was a handful before - he doesn't know what's coming!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
She is one of our nieces - my sister's daughter. She will be 3 next month, and has been such a sweet blessing to our lives since the day she was born!
The other night we were snuggled together in Gramma Glo's bed watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas (she loves that movie). She asked me what the baby's name was. I said, "The baby doesn't have a name yet Kamryn. What do you think it's name should be?" She thought really hard for a minute, and then said, "Squooshy. Let's name that baby Squooshy!"
So Squooshy it is...until we find out the gender and settle on a real name of course. Something tells me though, that this could possibly turn into one of those awesome embarrassing nicknames later on!
God is so good! I am sitting her crying my eye out! I am so happy for you and Matt! Congratulations! Take it easy and enjoy this time-it goes by fast!
YAY YAY YAY!!!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited for you! I am jumping up and down in my living room!!! :)
I am sooo sooo happy for you, my friend :) Your email totally made my day! You know I've been praying for you, and I know that this is just a miracle from our wonderful Lord!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm screaming! I am! I love this!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a wonderful, wonderful email message! God bless you, Matt and Swishy. All of you will be in my prayers. I rejoice for you, and for Swishy. What a fortunate baby. Smiling with great joy for you and God's goodness,
Yeah! I am so excited for you both. Isaac and I will being praying for you during your pregnancy. Hopefully your in a month from now your energy will be back. We are thinking about you. What a fun surprise? Isn't it amazing what God can do for us.
YES SWISHERS!!!!! I'm so excited for you guys!! The world was due for another Swisher in my opinion. Today is a HAPPY DAY!
AAAWWWWW! I'm crying! I am so happy for you and Matt. I hope this pregnancy goes well. Please know that I will be praying everyday for the baby to make it into this world safely. I know how much you and Matt want this. How great! I can only imagine your excitement.
OHHHHH KATIE!!!! I'M SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AND HUG YOU AND SING TO THE LITTLE ONE!!!! YAYYYYYY!!!
yeepee!!!!!! Oh I'm sooo happy for you and Matt. I'm going to put baby Swisher and family in my daily prayers from now on.
Katie!!!!! I just checked my e-mail from this week! What a great way to start a holiday!! Leave it to you to make me cry! Congratulations! I am so excited for you I don't even know what to say!!! That doesn't often happen! Wow! I know it is early but keep us posted! You know we will have to have a shower! I am so excited!
Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooooo happy for you and Matt. That's so exciting. One of my best friends told me when I met Steve and we got engaged that God is faithful (sometimes it just takes longer than we'd like). I really believe that now.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! I cannot even begin to express how excited we are for you!!! We will pray that the next 32 weeks go as well as the last 8 have!!
Did you hear a bunch of squealing between here and Indy around 11 your time last night - that was Grandma, Stefanie & me. Stef hadn't checked her email nor had I so Grandma got to tell us! Congratulations - and I'm thinking that Feb. 20 would be an awesome date to have a lil' Swishy! 'Course, Matt probably thinks Feb. 23 and Stef is bent on Feb. 17!!!!!
We are soooooo freakin excited for you guys! I talked to Matt last
night on the phone and he was just sooo excited. IDK if I have ever
heard him that excited before. I told him last night if there is
anything you guys need just let us know.
This is the best news EVER!!!! I'm in tears! Praying for you!
OH MY!!! i could not be more excited to read this email this morning!!!! Praise God! you are going to be the most lovely mom in the world!!! take care of yourself....sleep...eat...love it up!
I'm 'leaking' (as my kids would say)-crying....with joy for you!!! I know of your struggles to get pregnant...God had a plan.
Oh my goodness!! Congratulations!! I totally did a jump up and down girly dance when I got this email -- I'm so happy for you guys :)
Your mom just called and told me the great news. I can’t tell you how happy I am for you and Matt. The two of you will make the BEST parents!
Tomorrow I'll put up some of my favorite Facebook responses. Telling people has been so much fun!!!
My spotting is still coming and going. Sometimes it's non-existent, sometimes it's pretty noticeable. The ultrasound showed that I have a couple small sub chorionic hemorages that are probably causing the spotting. The doctor said that they are fairly common, and are caused by the sac attaching to the uterus. The doctor wasn't really concerned about it, since they are small and only in one spot. She said if they were surrounding the sac, she would be much more worried. The spotting seems to be worse when I am experiencing constipation (which sucks, but is very normal for pregnancy...). It kind of makes sense to my non-educated brain though. I mean, if there's pressure behind the uterus, I would think it would naturally force some of the blood out, but who really knows. I'm just trying to stay calm about it until something drastically changes or until my next doctor's appointment - which ever comes first. I see my doc again on July 29th.
So, for the past few weeks, I have been feeling INCREDIBLY tired, light-headed, a little nauseous, my heart was pounding a little bit, etc. I thought I was dying or something, and really started to panic. I decided last Wednesday to visit my physician to see what was going on. As I told the nurse about my symptoms, I started to panic a little right there, and she was like, "Calm down! I'm sure everything is fine. Now, go pee in this cup. I want to do a pregnancy test." I was like, "I never pass these, but whatever."
So I peed in the cup, and five minutes later the doctor came in and said, "So how do you feel about being a mother?" I FREAKED! I just burst into tears, asked him if I was dreaming, and cried some more. As I was leaving, the nurse Jennifer (who I LOVE), stopped me and said, "You didn't think you were getting out of here without giving me a hug, did you? CONGRATS!" It was so great. She knows how much we have been trying, and how heartbroken we have been. It was awesome.
I went down to the parking lot, sat in the car, and called Matt. I wasn't going to be home until the next night, because I was working my 2-day stint in Indy. I wish I could have told him in person, but I couldn't wait to tell him. I had to let him know over the phone! He knew I had been at the doctor, so after we greeted each other, he said, "So what did the doctor say?" I was like, "Well, he says I'm pregnant!" Matt just sat there quiet for a moment, and then he said, "What?" I repeated, "I'm pregnant!" I heard him start to cry (which he never does), and he just asked, "Really?" I was like, "Yeah! Isn't that crazy?" He was floored, and we both just sat there crying on the phone together for a few minutes.
We decided to go ahead and tell our families, so as he was on the phone with his parents and sister, I went to Mom and Dad's. My brother and Mom were both napping, but I grabbed Robert, got Dad from in front of the TV, and dragged them into Mom and Dad's room where Mom was still sleeping. I went to Mom, leaned over her and tried to get her to wake up. She turned to me all groggy-like, and I said, "I'm going to have a baby..." She was like, "What?" I said again, "I'm going to have a baby. I'm pregnant!" She said, "You're lying! No way! No way!" Meanwhile my dad and my brother are both like, "What? Awesome! Yeah! That's awesome! Woo-hoo! Alright!" It was so great. Then my mom jumped out of bed and gave me the biggest hug she's given me in a very long time.
After we all settled down a bit, my brother just kept telling me how awesome it was, and how happy he was for us. He knew that we had been struggling, and I guess he had been concerned about it. You could just tell that he was genuinely excited about it. He even got on the phone with his good friends (they all grew up together, and are good friends of the family) and told them the news.
Mom and I had plans to meet my sister at the mall, and then have dinner with her and my grandma and two aunts. We caught up with Kelly as she was finishing trying things on in a fitting room. She came out with her goodies, and said, "So where do you guys want to shop tonight?" I just looked at her and said, "Oh, I don't know. I was thinking maybe we could check out Motherhood Maternity..." I wish I had a video camera taping her reaction! Her facial expressions went from confusion to understanding to shock to crying to smiling all in the span of just a few seconds! She was like, "What? Oh...wait? What? You're pregnant? OHMYGOSH!" It was great...She said later that night that, even though she isn't much of a church-going person, she had never believed in God as much as she did right then.
Then at dinner, after our drinks had been delivered and our order was placed, I just leaned over the table to my grandma and said, "Hey Grandma, guess what I found out today? I'm going to have a baby!" Everyone was so excited! Later on Grandma told me that she had never been more excited to hear that someone was having a baby as she was that night. This is coming from the woman who gave birth to six of her own children, and has dozens of grandchildren and great-grandchildren!
Telling people has been so much fun! Our churches are totally excited for us. Everyone is offering to babysit and spoil little Squooshy rotten! I'm going to hold them to that...